25 Şubat 2008 Pazartesi
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case of constipation. He sends his Spanish secretary, who knows little English, to the local hospital. She tells the doctor, "Big President Bush, no shit."
The doctor understands and gives him some medicine to take with him.
The next day, the secretary comes back again and says, "Big President, no shit."
The doctor gives him even stronger medicine. A few days later, the secretary comes yet again and says, "Big President, big no shit."
The doctor gives him the strongest medicine he has.
The next day, the secretary comes back to the doctor and says, "Ba-Boom! Big shit, no President."
Tony Blair Interviewed by Peter Jennings
Peter Jennings: Why do you think the English lost the War of Independence?
Tony Blair: Rust on our equiptment.
Peter Jennings: Rust! Can you elaborate?
Tony Blair: Rust, you see, affected our leg weaponery. Our knee spears.
Peter Jennings: Knee spears? Why, I've never heard of such a thing!
Tony Blair: Really, I thought everyone had heard of Brit knee spears!
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?"
"Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with."
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too." He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand,and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''
''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian, and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife, and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.
Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked, "Has anyone got a friggin' match?"
A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished.
When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.''
Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second decided to try.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."
After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question.
“God,” he said, “What is heaven like?”
God replied, “Well, normally I don't tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!”
The man looked pleased. “What is hell like?” he asked.
“Well,” he said with a sigh, “the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.”
9) Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, it'll just hurt worse!”
8) Burst into tears when money is mentioned.
7) Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.
6) Tell them you'll accept their offer if they can guess your color of underwear.
5) Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
4) As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds.”
3) Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.
2) Mutter: “Aww, damn. Not another one. The last Jehovah's Witness almost got me the death penalty.”
1) HANG UP THE DARN PHONE!
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “fuck.”
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise -- “What the fuck are you doing here?”
2) Fraud -- “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation -- “Oh, fuck it!”
4) Trouble -- “I guess I'm fucked now.”
5) Aggression -- “FUCK YOU!”
6) Disgust -- “Fuck me.”
7) Confusion -- “What the fuck...?”
8) Difficulty -- “I don't understand this fucking business!”
9) Despair -- “Fucked again....”
10) Pleasure -- “I fucking couldn't be happier.”
11) Displeasure -- “What the fuck is going on here?”
12) Lost -- “Where the fuck are we?”
13) Disbelief -- “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation -- “Up your fucking ass!”
15) Denial -- “I didn't fucking do it.”
16) Perplexity -- “I know fuck-all about it.”
17) Apathy -- “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18) Greetings -- “How the fuck are ya?”
19) Suspicion -- “Who the fuck are you?”
20) Panic -- “Let's get the fuck out of here.”
21) Directions -- “Fuck off.”
22) Awe -- “How the fuck did you do that?”
It can be used in an anatomical description -- “He's a fucking asshole.” It can be used to tell time -- “It's five fucking thirty.” It can be used in business -- “How did I wind up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal -- “Motherfucker.” It can be political -- “Fuck Clinton!”
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” -- Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” -- General Custer
“That's not a real fucking gun, is it?” -- John Lennon
“Who's gonna fucking find out?” -- Richard Nixon
“Why the fuck did that apple hit me?” -- Issac Newton
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” -- Marie Antoinette
“I could have used a fucking map.” -- Ulysses
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” -- Captain of the Titanic
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” -- Albert Einstein
“It DOES SO fucking look like her!” -- Picasso
“Okay, I know... we'll build this BIG fucking wall to keep them out.” -- Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty
“I can't believe I just fucking said that.” -- Patrick Henry
“Fucking backstabbers!” -- Julius Caesar
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” -- Michelangelo
“Fellatio is not fucking!” -- Bill Clinton
“Where is that fucking pizza guy?” -- Elvis
“Why? Because its fucking there!” -- Sir Edmund Hilary
“I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?” -- Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” -- Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” -- John F. Kennedy
“What are the fucking chances I'm going to heaven?” -- Adolf Hitler
“Hey, where the fuck are your turbans?” -- Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.
Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands
them over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looks
disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out
the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,
pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya
bastard! Spit it out!"
and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says,
"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then
use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you
The Frenchman says, "I
take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la
France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says,
"A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his
head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says,
"Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The
New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the
There's blood gushing out
all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you
The New Yorker looks at the
chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language....
Consider this: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find
yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, since you asked, I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "You really can understand and answer,
can't you?" "Of course, I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with
competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am
especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asked the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began
petting her all over," reports the parrot. "Oh No!" the guy says.
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and
began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down....?" The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
and a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, “If I
have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow I'll jump off this cliff!”
The Irishman said, “If I have
ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!”
The Scotsman said, “If I have jam in my
sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!
It was the next day, and they all had to
jump off as the Englishman had cheese the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman had
A week later, it was the funeral and the
Scottish lady and the English lady said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like what
we put in their sandwiches?"
And the Irish lady said, “I dont know why my husband jumped off
the cliff he made his own sandwiches!”
You learned to swim about the same time Jaws
came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in
English and in German.
You're starting to believe that maybe having
the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
You did the LeFreak with Chic.
"All-skate, change directions" means
something to you.
In high school, you and all your friends
discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play
"1999" by Prince over and over again.
You wore anything Izod, especially collar
"up," or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your
You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember
when Jordache jeans were cool.
You even dressed to emulate a person you saw
in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.
You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
You rode in the back of the station wagon and
you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you
actually learned the English language.
You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
There was nothing to question about Bert n'
Ernie living together.
Knickers and leg warmers were cool.
You ever wanted to learn to play
"Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen"
by yourself in your room.
You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of
The first time you ever kissed someone was at
a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
You ever used the phrase "kiss mah
grits" in conversation.
You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's
You know who shot J.R.
This rings a bell: "...and my name, is
Charlie. They work for me."
You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
You sat with your friends on a Friday night
and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.
You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just
like Mork used to wear.
You remember when your cable TV box had the
three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
Two Words: Feathered hair
Your jaw would ache by the time you finished
those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.
The phrase "Where's the beef?" still
doubles you over with laughter.
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily
outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a
blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking,
explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers
personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to
speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a
paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a
dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a
story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."
There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women
are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at
Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
3.b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital...
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10.Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
4.a. Like the Dutch, just less efficient
4.b. Like the French, just less romantic
4.c. Like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just @!#$ in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a president without electing him.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth with condom on.
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24-hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - it's fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400AD.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
Ok, give them a second chance
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
8. Chicken Dopiasa
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings soar.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great grand dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around retching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
The Englishman says, "my wife saw a sale in the supermarket and bought 50lbs of meat, and we don't even have a freezer!"
The American guys says, "I got that beat. My wife bought a �60,000 car, and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
But then the greek says, "no, mine beats that. My wife went on vacation last month with her friends, and took 100 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a dick!"
"B*llocks" shouts the Englishman, "what are we going to do now?!!"
Knowing a bit more about cars than the other two, the Scotsman decides to take a look, and decides that nothing can be done.
"Well I don't know about you two" says the Scotsman, "but I'm outta here. There's no way I'm staying in this place to die!" And with that, he gets his stuff together, and starts walking off into the distance.
"Hang on!" shouts the Englishman, who gets HIS stuff together and runs after the Scot.
The Irishman thinks about it for a minute, before deciding what it is he should take with him. Upon doing so, he follows the other two.
Five hours later, and a jeep appears from the distance with a friendly face at the wheel.
"I bet you're glad I found you!!" exclaimed the jeep driver as he got closer.
"Sure are" replied the Englishman, "though we would have been ok for a while yet"
"Oh, why's that?" asked the driver.
"Well" said the Sotsman "I've got loads of drink. So we would have been ok if we got thirsty"
"Yes," said the Englishman "and knowing that, I have brought lots of food and medical supplies"
Impressed, the driver turned to look at the Irishman.
"Why the hell have you brought a car door with you?!!" he exclaimed, looking very puzzled.
"Oh, that's easy" replied the Irishman. "It's in case we get hot, we can wind the window down."
And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)
Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"We can't tell you the result, but the winning goal from Niall Quinn was his 14th of the season." (Jim Rosenthal)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:
1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start spelling English words correctly.
2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen"
3. Start referring to "soccer" as football
4. Declare war on Quebec and France
5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby
7. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday, this has been replaced with November 5th
9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.
10. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
11. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation.
12. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber.
13. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
14. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisiton of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off".
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty".
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water".
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
We all know about GM's Chevy Nova meaning "it won't go" in Spanish markets, but did you know that Ford had a similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto? Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford renamed the automobile Corcel, meaning "horse".
Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Cokethen researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
A few years ago, in the American Midwest, some people decided to show off their new "real" Mexican restaurant, named Chi-chi's to some visiting Californians. Upon seeing the name on the marquis, the Californians started to laugh. When asked why they were laughing, they explained that in Mexican Spanish, "chi-chi's" literally means "titties."
Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hands before eating.
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a Defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing,but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer,can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject:politics, religion, sports, physics philosophy...and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me".
"I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says, "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes,gives good advice.The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not",says the parrot,but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on hi knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time ...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."
The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!
The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"
With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"
Following the crushing defeat of England in the first test, the International Cricket Council has imposed a new set of rules to make the contest more even. The new rules were formulated in conjunction with James Miller, 9, of Haberfield and his school friends.
As a result, England has been granted an electric wickie, freeing up wicket keeper Alec Stewart to defend the boundary. Under the rule, Australian batsmen will be deemed out "caught behind" if the ball snicks their bat and lands in the immediate area behind the wicket.
The rule is a compromise from the original England proposal which had pushed for electric slips as well. The ICC refused that request on the grounds that "someone has to go and get the ball when an Australian misses it."
In addition, Australia is under strict "tip and run" restrictions which require they take a run off every ball they hit.
Following his performance in the first test Australian wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist has "six and out" restrictions imposed on him. As well, following complaints from English fieldsman, Gilchrist will have to get the ball if it goes across the road.
Instead of using a bat, Australian captain Steve Waugh will now be obliged to use his arm with jumper wrappeda round it.
New rules for England include "one hand, one bounce" while they are fielding, and the provision of "last manc arries" when they are batting.
Steve Waugh has vigorously opposed the "last man carries" rule and has launched an appeal. Waugh says Australia will only agree to the rule if there are electric wickets at the end, allowing Aussie fielders to throw to the stumps at either end.
The England medium pace bowler, Ashley Giles, will also be allowed to wrap the ball's seam with electrical tape when he's bowling in the second innings.
The spokesperson added there will be "no LB" for England batsmen unless "it is really, really obvious."
Glenn McGrath has conceded that its "fair enough" that he has to bowl underarm (but not molly grubbers) toE ngland's tail end.
Despite the changes, Australia remains firm favourites going into the Second Test, paying �1.12, while an England win is currently paying �1.3 trillion.
* You have considered wearing a badge that you can pass to people when you first meet them with answers to those all-important questions they all want to know. "No, I am not a Kiwi, I'm an Australian. I have been here for x number of years. I am here on x visa. We come to the UK because it is the thing to do. No, I do not know how long I will be here for. No, I don't like Fosters."
* You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable.
* You have given up complaining about the Victorian banking services offered in the UK.
* You have given up explaining why you are half an hour late to work as no-one notices or cares.
* Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.
* You can actually give directions to some of those annoying tourists in Oxford Street!
* You actually step over a drunk in the tube station rather than offering to help them.
* You don't even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast.
* You consider a suit to be normal attire for the pub.
* You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products). And to wear decent clothes. Jeans and a T-shirt are no longer socially acceptable.
* You dissolve in laughter when listening to the funny accent of the Aussie international telephone operator (or on TV!).
* You think �40 for a haircut is quite reasonable.
* You have stopped calling people 'a dag' because you don't want to have to explain it.
* You can't remember what 'customer service' means.
* After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house, and not a 24 hour McDonalds.
* More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.
* You don't think twice about tipping your hairdresser
* You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or 'Yeah'.
* You only just realise you have lost your sunnies, you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.
* You start thinking English cuisine isn't all that bad after all, I mean, it's hard to beat a full English breakfast.
* You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat.
* You buy a disposable baby BBQ from Tesco.
* You realise your sunburn cream is the stuff you originally bought from home with you.
* A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head.
* You always call soccer football and you have a team and it's not Manchester United.
* You don't think twice about buying a packaged sandwich.
* A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear
* You start to accept queuing as a way of life.
* You actually say, 'Sor'ed'.
You know you are in Sydney when...
*Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
*You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
*You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
*You never bother looking at the train schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
*You can't remember....is dope illegal?
*You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
*You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
*A really great parking space can move you to tears.
*You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
*Your boss runs in "The City to Surf"....it's the first time you have seen him/her nude.
*Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
*You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Italian - French or a building your own web site class.
*You haven't been to Darling Harbour since the first month you moved to Sydney and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Sydney Tower if your life depended on it.
*A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
*You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the North Shore.
*You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
*You keep a list of companies to boycott.
*You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born in Sydney (but then, they are Swiss/Thai/Brazilin).
*You order organic fruit and vegies online, but eat out every night anyway.
*You spent more money on your coffee machine than on your washing machine.
*You spend $500+ for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour/beach views and European appliances; and then spend a total of 40 hours each week there(37 of which you are sleeping).
*You contemplate calling a cab from your home to where you managed to park the car the night before.
*You spend 30 minutes in a traffic jam next to a car with more power to its speakers than its wheels.
*You meet friends for coffee at 1am at your local Netcafe/Laundramat/Bookstore/Bar/Alternative healing centre and go for drinks and pool at nine in the morning.
*You go out each Saturday for breakfast and the paper...at 3pm.
*Your shiatsu therapist is headhunted by an Internet Startup and your accountant becomes an actor.
*You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or home address.
*You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe under lock and key...but couldn't roast a chicken to save your life.
*Your cab driver was a micro-surgeon before he moved to Australia.
*and finally - "You know you live in Sydney, when....
*Your hairdresser is straight, Your plumber is gay, The woman who delivers your mail is straight.... and your Avon Lady is a drag queen.
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:- English well talking.- Here speeching American.
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
* The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
* The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The following questions and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams (16 year olds)! Give us strength ... these people are tomorrow's leaders ... my bet is that we will become extinct!
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains thebrain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does *varicose- mean?
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word *benign- mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower..
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed
Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...
Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.
Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.
Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
Q Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.